Through My Eyes

Matthew 3:11
“indeed baptize you with water unto repentance, but He who is coming after me is mightier than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire.”

 
I was baptized today. While I am still trying to wrap my head around what happened, I know there was a shift and a change. I came hungry. I was hungry for more of God and to have my life fully and entirely surrendered to God. I didn’t know what that looked like, but I was tired of being half in, I wanted to be all in!

So my church did an outdoor baptism and setup a pool and over 70 people were baptized… I was one of the 70. I remember I went down, I remember feeling the water rush over me and come upon me. Then felt it rush as it fled out of my way, making room for me to come up. I wiped the water from my brow and felt a hand on my shoulder, but that was when I felt a warmth over me. I can’t explain it, but I can tell you that I lost balance as it came upon me and I felt my knees buckle as it overtook me.

To say I was speaking in tongues would be an understatement. I would say that my spirit cried on my behalf. That the Holy Spirit invaded my whole and my spirit cried out for all of God, all of the Holy Ghost and all of Jesus. I was baptized today with the full understanding, that I would not come up the same as I went down… and I didn’t. I came up after a baptism in water and was filled with the Holy Ghost and fire. I await with eagerness, what God has before me, yet still trying to get clarity on what happened and understand where I am now.

I look the same, but I feel different.. I guess that makes me a pickle. I look similar to the cucumber I once was, but I am not the same anymore. I am #AllIn!

Some one recently asked me why I have so many animals. I had never put any serious thought into it until then. As I began to think about each animal and went they are in my life, I realized I have a strong heart for little ones. With 4 cats, 2 birds, an English Mastiff and some fish… My house is pretty full.

That thought led me to another, if I have such a love for the little ones, I should have that much (if not more) for the least of those. Too often we are only willing to live when it’s convenient. We have to propose in heart and head, that we are going to act in love today. That no matter what anyone says, I’m Stepping out in love. I’m going to go that extra step to help out, even when I don’t feel like it. I am going to put in the extra effort when I’m ready to go to bed.

Maybe it’s something as simple ss taking the trash down in my Pj’s that makes my husband see the amount of love I have for him. Or helping my manager before they even ask. Take the initiative and don’t wait around for a pat in the back. Keeping the momentum going and look for the next chance to love on somebody.

This morning I was in worship, as I praised with my new tambourine (thanks to my husband) that I had hung a tassel off of, I watched as my youngest cat tried to attack the tassel. As the music got more intense I began to ignore her intense stare at the tassel, as it flew through the air. Then suddenly, I opened my eyes and there was a cat flying past my face after the tassel attached to my tambourine. That’s when I heard God say 2 things at the same time.

First I heard, “This is how I want my children to be, chasing after praise! Eagerly intent on praise and worship.”

Then I heard, “The enemy will try to distract you from praising. The enemy is chasing after you just you as chase after me. If you stop, it will overtake you. But if you trust in Me, I will overtake you and as you praise My presence will come and the enemy will flee. Do not let the enemy distract you and take away your praise from your lips.”

I realized that in that one action it shows the way we should chase after God and in the same way that the enemy chases after us. As a cat sets it’s gaze on it’s prey, we should set our gaze on God.

There comes a point, when you hear something and your spirit shivers and you can only cry with God goodness in your heart.

This morning, at 2am, God woke me to a dream. A dream I had not had in over a year. It was my husband and I, and we had these 2 beautiful daughters (twin girls). When I woke up I asked God why I was awake, and I didn’t hear anything. So I closed my eyes and went back to sleep, only to repeat that dream. That went on several times, until it was 6am. That was when I decided to wake up and start to get ready for church. This dream was so vivid though, that it was on my mind and heart the entire time I got ready, as well as the drive to church. I honestly felt like I was in a haze, or a daydream. My mind just wasn’t with me.

Well, then I get to church and I listen to the word released over the house. When the first words out of the Pastor during first service is “Abraham and Sarah were given a promise”, my spirit jumped. I listened as he talked about how they had to make something happen. They had to invest in the promise, for the promise to come. Then, I lingered for second service, and I listen to this amazing woman of God, Lisa Hicks, talk about how this is the year of the Vav, and that it’s the year of promises fulfilled.

I have had this dream, where my husband and I attend a service and we are asked to come up on stage and share a testimony. We share how I have had my tubes tied and uterus operated on, so that I was “medically” unable to have children. How it was 6 years ago that this happened (which it was August 2010 that it happened) and that God had promised us double for trouble. A double portion would be released over our house, just as it was with Job when he lost everything. That we would be restored and given a child, just as Abraham and Sarah were promised. Then we begin to tell about how on the Friday before service, we were given news. That our God had showed up and abundantly blessed us to receive. That we were told, we were pregnant, and when they checked by ultrasound to see if everything was ok, it wasn’t just ok, it was as if nothing had happened. And there, on the screen, was the miracle. Not one, but TWO babies, not one but TWO heartbeats, were found.

Then I wake up as the testimony is finishing. Today, Lisa, shared about the Vav, how it’s the tent peg and numerically represents the number 6. So here I am, after an amazing service, covered in tears and thinking back on the promise that was given to us, over 5 years ago, by this same woman who was preaching. That God was going to put a baby in our arms. That we are in the year of the Vav (number 6) and it’s been almost 6 years since my surgery. That after over a year of not having this dream, God has given it to me not once, not twice, but over 6 times in 1 night.

I am in awe, that God wants me to remember the dreams of my heart and the cries of my heart. That i am supposed to take the promises off the shelf, dust them off and invest in them. That I am not called to give up on them, but to call them out and declare them into my life. That I am supposed to invest in them! I was given promises, it’s the year of those promises being fulfilled!!!

I sat their holding my bible. The weight of the book in my hand got me to think about why I seemed to prefer my physical bible over the android version I have on my phone and tablet (and computer). Then I heard God tell “There is weight to my word.” If I make a promise to do something, I am adding weight to it with my intent to get something done. When I come into agreement with someone and we make a contract, like a car loan or mortgage for example. There is a weight to the agreement that I will hold up my end of the deal and they bank will do their part.

God is saying that we have lost site of the weight in His word and in His promise. If you “bounce” your bible in your hand you can feel the weight of the paper, you can feel the pull of gravity on it. That is the weight of God’s promise. He is saying He will do His part, He will hold true to His word. God keeps His promises, and we need to call Him accountable to the promises He has made to us. If every promise from Him is a “Yes and Amen” (2 Corinthians 1:20 For all the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen, to the glory of God through us) then maybe we should start acting like it.

Today my Pastor talked about being a man on a mission, but I want to tell you that you will not get to your goal if you don’t trust in the promise that God gave. The weight of His word, the weight of the contract He made for our souls. He is for us and we can count Him worthy. (Romans 8:31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?)

The canvas wasn’t blank. It had a painting on it, that I had grown to dislike. It was mediocre, at best, from a time when I didn’t trust my ability nor what God was doing in me. So when God told me to clear the canvas, I was confused. I thought he meant to cover it. No, He meant to remove it. It took a large bottle of rubbing alcohol and a lot of elbow grease, but it got done.

As I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the canvas, God began to speak to me about how my sins are washed away. As I scrubbed I smiled. Then God talked to me about the work it took to make it happen. How Jesus labored, so that we could be cleansed. The fasting, the prayers, the walking (and going) and the temptation He had to resist, so that we could be redeemed. With every scrub, God showed me an example. As I excitedly washed paint from a canvas, eager to transform it into something new, so does the blood of Jesus wash us. Transforming us into something.

2 Corinthians “But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.”

So now we move forward to look at this now blank canvas. God began to talk to me through Exodus 13:21. The children of Israel had just crossed the red sea after leaving Egypt. They were camped on the edge of the wilderness. That was when the Lord appeared before them as pillar of cloud by day (to protect them) and a pillar of fire by night (for light and warmth). And so god went before the children of Israel in the manner.

God had me paint the mountains, the grey clouds and desert land. Then he had me paint His presence as pillar of fire. A beacon of light and a reminder that he goes before us.

And the Lord went before them by day in a pillar of a cloud, to lead them the way; and by night in a pillar of fire, to give them light; to go by day and night

Exodus 13:21

As I went out this morning to my garden, I checked on all of my seedlings to see how they are doing. Making sure everything is growing well for a good harvest. But as I looked at my strawberry container, they were all still dormant. I checked the soil, and it was moist. This made no sense. The tomatoes were well, the watermelon is well, the raspberries are well… but the strawberries had nothing. No green, no life, no change.

I began to pray over my garden, and then I heard it. “Just because I’m not seeing anything on the outside doesn’t mean the roots aren’t getting stronger and preparing for a harvest.”

Sometimes we need to not focus on the fruit, but on the root.

“Grief is like a delicate, slow dance you were never taught the steps to. You clumsily attempt to find your footing, and eventually, hopefully, it begins to feel fluid”

No truer words have ever been spoken of grief and what it looks like. No dance is the same, but many are similar. Like variations of a waltz, we all move slowly toward the same goal: coping. It’s never easy, as we stumble over two left feet and lose a shoe on the dance floor. Maybe even forget to take our partners hand from time to time. But it’s still a dance that we learn to do everyday.

I know that with Josh’s anniversary quickly approaching, I think more often of him. His smiling face and the things he did that made me laugh. Not many at work have heard his story or know that I have more going on then what they see. Somedays I think it would be better to just not try to explain it, but then I feel like I am trying to forget. I never want to forget, I never want to forget Josh, those moments and days in the hospital. The time I had with him and the person I have become because of him. I learned to be selfless because of my son, I want to never forget that.

I pray that my dance of grief shows strength in tears, a beautiful ball gown made chain mail. Glistening in the lights of the dance floor like a billion stars twinkling.

Everyone always says they are looking forward to something, whatever that something is. Today I decided I am dreaming forward. I a, pushing my dreams forward until they are a reality.

With Josh’s 7th birthday quickly approaching, I realize how far we have come and much further we have to go. I see the amazing that has taken place, with the arrival of the new phase. You know, we bought our first home, we bought 2 new cars (crazy right?!?!) and all because God is that good and His blessings pour out on ALL of His children. Well, with that all said, we still haven’t seen our biggest heart cry and dream come into fruition.

You know what I mean right? That dream that you know it’s what God made you for and you know that it’s your calling. That dream that the enemy has come against so strong and yet you feel it tug at your heart, rub your skin and tingle your tongue when you say “it’s coming”. That one thing that you always say “God if this isn’t your will, take it from my heart!” And yet, your heart doesn’t just yearn for it, it HUNGERS for it. It intentionally is seeking out that one purpose you were created for, knowing full well that is why it’s taken up that residency in such a precious part of you. Not in your mind where it can be taken away by another thought, not on paper where it can thrown away, but in your heart where it can be kept sacred.

My Pastor always says “Keep you heart pure.” I think the impurities let into your heart can affect you reaching your purpose. But if you get rid of those, your purpose will develop. Right now, I know my purpose is to be a mom. I know God made me to be a mom and love children with the His heart and love poured out in abundance. I know I was created to heal the orphaned heart, the thought of adoption… that intentionally act, makes me want to cry. My arms hunger to hold our child, knowing that I made a selfish decision that altered my creative purpose of being a mother. At the same moment, it just made it more intentionally. That I can’t just “be” to be in my purpose, but now I have to make that intentional action toward it. Knowing it won’t happen until I come into agreement and put that into motion that will lead me to my purpose.

It’s hard at times. Knowing that it’s not now, but soon. Knowing that I have to wait on God’s time and God’s heart for everything to fall into place. Knowing that I can’t force His hand, but I can joyfully wait upon the Lord. Today I am intentionally dreaming forward, looking beyond my tomorrow, next week and next month, but dreaming ahead to my next year and speaking that which is not, as though it was.

Love them or hate them it’s still true, electronics and constant entertainment are ruining this world and relationships.

We, as a society, have become products of addiction. Not free from slavery to that which holds us. Grasped firmly in it’s clutches, we in turn hold it close to us. Many have given more then they could afford to keep or have that which will hold them in a tighter bondage.

Could you walk away for a day?
Could you leave it at home and go out?
Can you disconnect?

No I am not talking Matrix and taking a red pill, I am talking unplugging from the internet, texts and phone calls. Leave the emails behind and plunge forth on an adventure of the world that is already all around you. What have you ignored, missed or let escape you because you needed to catch up on the latest Twitter feed and read the newest post on Facebook, while also wondering what the new photo on Instagram is and why your dearest friend has not texted you back. Then the emails of work and family rush in and you feel overwhelmed and yet you haven’t had you coffee yet.

So many have panic attacks when their mobile device is missing. Are you one of them? Would you, after getting in your car and noticing it’s not with you, be one to frantically search and possibly arrive late to work to find your device? Or, would you just shrug and keep going, feeling that you will find it when you get home if it’s not in your bag and not fret?

I have, on many occasions, freaked because I could not find my phone. Looking back I realized what an addiction that had become. I have since, forced myself to let it go. To not panic when I leave the house without it and have felt an amazing freedom.

We feed insecurity with an electronic security blanket. Enough is enough, do we want our children so co-dependent on their electronics that they panic? Do we want them nursing Valium because the electronic life has consumed them and their real world life has gotten away and they can’t catch up?

As adults we have to make a choice. Even if you don’t have children, it’s still a choice. I am not saying do not let your children have electronics or use them. But moderation is the mother of survival, if our children are going to be more then stressed out, electronic addicts, we have to be able to show them that we also can have moderation in our lives.