Through My Eyes

Christmas went by without notice in my house. It felt like any other day, well weekend. Just Jeremy and I, as we sat around talking and watching TV. Jeremy’s family gathered at his sister’s, and we were not able to attend. His sister is going through Chemo and is immuno-suppressed. So we were alone. To say I cried would be an understatement. There was no hustle and bustle to keep my mind occupied. I had more time then I wanted to think and to miss Joshua. To stare aimlessly at the tree and wish he was here, playing with presents like so many other’s children. But my house is not like the house of so many other families. We have a son who celebrated in Heaven.

So, as a parent, instead of opening a present from our son this Christmas, I opened a heart of grief. Revisited with fresh tears and a cup of coffee. I can’t say I welcomed it, but the tears felt good. It feels like the Cratchet’s house this year. “Tiny Tim” is missing from the house, and it’s just not as joyful without him. We ate dinner and talked, about random things mostly. At one point, while I was cooking dinner, Jeremy came in and hugged me. He put his arms around me gently and said “Merry Christmas, Beautiful”. I laid my head on his chest and wept, “I miss Josh” is all I could say as the tears flowed.

It’s another Christmas at the Complese house, and Joshua’s “chair” is still empty.

I am the person in front of you that you shouted rude words to when the light turned green and I didn’t go right away. I am the person who forgot to put on their turn signal before making a left turn. I am the person who just bumped into you as we walked passed and I didn’t even acknowledge you and you were angry that I didn’t say sorry. I’m the friend that didn’t answer your phone call and you thought I was just too busy for you. I am the lady in check out that is fumbling for her check card and you’re in a hurry. I am the cashier that just seems out of it and not overly talkative as I ring in your items.
I am Mona Lisa. I am smiling, but my heartache and pain is not shown. If you asked me how I was I would say I was good. I will laugh with you and joke with you. Behind the scenes, I cry. My husband, the backbone and my love, takes the brunt of my pain. As I turn to him at the slightest whim of heartache and he doesn’t know how to help me, but hold me. Safety in his arms, but I can’t be carried into the world. So when you bump into me, yell at me or become angry because I didn’t say hello, remember I am not always ok. Mourning comes and goes, my days are good and some days are not so good. You don’t see me cry and you don’t hear my heart break, but remember that I am still healing. Don’t be mad because I made you late, pray for me, because I need it.

It’s Christmas time, wrapping presents, baking cookies, laughter, joy… And much more. As I began to prepare my Christmas cookies, you know, the ones that get cut out and iced, I handed the box of cookie cutters from the cupboard. Right on top was a people train cookie cutter. Last time this box was open, was February of 2011 to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for Josh. It was in the shape of a train. His “choo-choo sammich” he would say. Needless to say, I cried. Some days skim by and I don’t feel sadness, today I felt the sting. Christmas was all about Josh for Jeremy and I. We had become Hall put to receive nothing and give everything to our little man. This year, Jeremy and I were stagnant and not really wanting anything. Although we still have bought for each other.

All I want for Christmas, is a family.

I think there is a point in life where you have to ask if you are being real. I don’t mean living in reality, but not pretending to be something you really aren’t. Being honest about yourself, to others. Not just to yourself. I am blessed with the ability to always be an open book. But I realized that there was so much of my life that I kept put away, because no one asked about it. If they had asked I was willing to tell, but I only really spoke about the moments that sounded interesting. But the moments that I struggled and strained, I kept hidden away. Making this “fake” world appear before other people. It wasn’t until I noticed that someone saw me as “the perfect Christian” that I realized, I had to let my flaws be seen too. Not because I wanted recognition for my flaws, but because in that other’s could be encouraged as well.

So I started to step out of this world I had created and began to verbally admit to difficulties that had only been said in my heart. Like learning to trust God. When my husband placed a challenge before my face and I wasn’t sure if I trusted God as much as I had said I did, that I truly began to ask myself how real I was. In that moment, I realized that it wasn’t that I didn’t trust God, it’s that I didn’t know HOW to trust God. No one had walked this out before me in my life, no one had paved this way for me. In this new found realization I found strength. I know knew what was wrong, and that it wasn’t some cosmic thing that needed fixed, it was time in prayer.

To say I hit my prayer closest would be wrong, I was now dragging myself from my bed and praying on the go. I was still unsure of how to approach this. I had not yet verbalized this realization and it was something that was still being released in my heart. In the midst of this process I was attempting to continue with life. I wasn’t very good at that attempt and I found myself hungry and seeking. In the middle of it though, I was hit with revelation in the middle of a conversation with a pastor at my church. It was not an “Ah-ha!” moment at first, but when the words came off my lips “I don’t know how to trust God with this”, I felt the weight come off me. Like a wet jacket I had been wearing in the middle of winter. The relief was amazing! The conversation with my pastor continued and I found myself leaving the meeting with more to chew then I could imagine and I had this feeling of worhship and praise fill my heart.

The bible says we should confess our sins to one another, I think it should go deeper then that. We should confide in one another. Even if there are only 1 or 2 people you can confide in right now, start somewhere. Confide in someone that you don’t mind showing your flaws, faults and confussion. Where you can state your concern and issue and not be challenged but be encouraged. I continue to hope that when placed in the opposite shoes that I can be as encouraging as my pastor was, although he has no idea that he was.

I think the world wants to see Jesus, but they also want to see what’s real. That the supernatural is real, that God is real and is doing real miracles. The Heaven is real and Hell is real, that Jesus exists and died and rose for us. That angels are real and prayer can change a situation. That we can be real, because God is real.

Many say that when they see me that I am a strong and joyful woman. That they could never have believed I have been through the burial of a child. That I have such joy and I am so full of smiles, that it just can’t be true. But before I could be beautiful, I had to be broken. Before I could be strong I had to be weak. Before I could be joyful I had to mourn. Let me take you back to the day, when the ugly worm looking thing, became a butterfly.

We had just come home from the hospital. It was the first night in our house without our son. I stayed cooped up in the computer room and it wasn’t until I realized I wanted a snack that was in a bag downstairs that I left that room. I left the room alone and made my way downstairs to the living room. Rummaging through our bags from the hospital, in search of the snack I wanted so badly. When my hand brushed across the softest thing I had ever felt. It was a fleece blanket that had been folded so neatly and gently at the foot of Josh’s hospital bed. I lifted it out of the hospital’s “Patient Belonging’s” bag that is was in and hugged it to my chest. “It still smells like him”, I thought as I took a deep breath in through my nostrils. Then it happened.

My knees trembled and gave way, I barely caught myself as I crashed to the floor. Falling back and sliding down a wall that was behind me. One hand sliding down the back of the door as the other clasped the blanket close to my chest. tears flowed faster then I could breath. With every exhale the words would escape my lips “He’s gone”. I had broken. I had crumbled. The cacoon was breaking and the walls had fallen apart. This was the moment I had to choose to come out as a butterfly or to die in the cracked cacoon.

My husband came rushing down the stairs. All I remember is hearing his footsteps and feeling his arms lift me up from the floor. As I weakly came to my feet and started to look up to him, his arms were already pulling me close to his chest. He was there before I could call out to him. He was at my side faster then I could have though to call to him. He was my backbone. He was guiding me out of this cacoon. This dark shell that hid the beauty I could become or sufficate me. Here he was, holding me in his arms, letting me cry and mourn and without words, leading me into the light.

Because he held me and let me mourn, I can now rejoice. Because he took me in his arms and guided me out of the darkness, that could have consumed me, I can now spread my wings and be the gorgeous butterfly I am. I was not consumed by depression, sadness or heartache, because my husband was strong for me. He encouraged me in ways that can never be described. He is my half that makes me whole.

When I was broken, he was strong.

I’ve been away for some time, and have had the chance to realize what’s going on in me and around me. I have been blessed to have people in my life that are understanding and caring and willing to walk this out with me. My husband being the number 1 in that list.

Since February I have kept my schedule busy, but had not realized until recently what that was really doing. My Pastor said a phrase in a class he teaches that really struck me and brought in revelation.

“The devil will keep you occupied with silver to keep you from your gold.”

That phrase made me realize I had been filling my time with stuff to do to keep from facing the pain I felt. So I stopped being busy and I began to make myself be at home before work. Instead of going out and being with friends or just doing stuff. Well in that I have found that I love being home and I had forgotten what peace and love I felt when there. Especially when I was investing in things I enjoy, like baking, art and training my dog. I had forgotten about the home that the Lord had given us and the responsibility of taking care of it.
I truly love being home and taking care of my house and family and I have had the blessing of rekindling that. In the decision to invest in my home, other things have been opening left and right and I have had the true blessing of being able to follow my heart and share my testimonty and my passion for art in more ways then I can begin to express.
My church is allowing me to open a Fine Art Studio to teach Prophetic Art Classes and much more! I can not begin to express how happy I am about this!

If you are reading this, please know your prayers are covited as I step into this new glory and walk out all that the Lord has for me.
God bless!

The anniversary I never wanted to see is fast approaching. It’s been 2 years since part of my heart went home to be with Jesus. I continue to rejoice in all that the Lord has done, even more in awe now than before, as He reveals His fingerprints through out the entire healing process.

I never thought of God as being so close to me, in the bible it says “Call no man on earth your Father, you have one Father in Heaven.” It was explained to me that the phrase means “to come forth from”, but I never had a close relationship with my earthly father, so I had no clue how to handle a Heavenly Father. It was was one swoop he invaded my heart, when I cried out to Him that all I wanted was to know His love. In that, He invaded my heart. My relationship with Him is amazing and grows srtonger day after day, but even my relationship with my earthly father grows stronger. Even my husband and I grow closer together. I would have never made it this far if it was not for the Love of the Father!

Blessed be The Mighty King
Who sits upon His throne
Grace is in His right hand
Love is ever shown

Glory to the King on high
Blessed be His name
Forever He shall rule this land
Forever shall He reign

Holy Holy, to the Lord our King
Blessed be, Oh Blessed be
Mighty shall He rule the earth
For all of man to see

Trust in Him forever more
His grace that died on a tree
For all to come to redemption
Blessed be, Oh Blessed be

Mighty God, My King
My Savior and My Life
To you I give everything
For you bring me out of strife

Your joy is everlasting
Your peace covers me
Your presence brings me strength
While your word brings clarity

I walk out the plan you have for me
I follow in your ways
Learning from what Jesus taught
Through out His mighty days