Today, I crumbled. I felt so alone I couldn’t stand. I felt my knees buckle at point as I collapsed in front of my couch. I cried so hard I felt sick and was shaking. All I could do was pray to the Heavenly Father for help. Help to lift me up and to help me cope, for strength and for comfort.
Although I know that I am not alone on this path and that he walks with me every step of the way. I felt like I could no longer carry myself. Somehow I pulled myself together, although it’s been a struggle all day today. After my husband came home and we had eaten, right before going upstairs, I felt the presence of a large figure in my home. I felt them standing in my doorway, like they were in the shadow. When I prayed to the Lord and asked for him to reveal them to me, so that I could know if they were of him or if they should be cast away, I felt a warm presence and was not so concerned with the figure in the doorway. Like they were just watching over us.
The lord tells us many times to “fear not”. Which is probably the hardest thing in the world to give up. To know that you have no reason to fear, because he will always take care of you when you trust in him. I have spent a lot of time turning to myself these past few days, in attempts to grieve. I stopped putting aside time for the Lord each morning and afternoon, and I realize now, that I should not have. Although I take on more tasks, the Lord should always come first.
I know I can apologize and repent, but my heart aches because I took that time away from the Lord. I stopped meditating to clear my mind so that I can hear the Lord more clearly. I have learned that that is something I can not take away. That giving him my time is the best gift I can give him and that sharing his word is the best gift I can share.
